Breathe

Feeling blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined. For a gal that has spent her life keeping things inside, this last year especially,  has been a revelation.

I've never been perfect or ever expected people to view me that way but I guess I did a good job of putting up that front.  I was encouraged by someone that knew the real me.... in every facet.  The joy, the worry, the fear, the strength and the doubt.  I started being more "me" than I ever had been.  I opened up to the ones I trusted and started forming even stronger relationships with everyone.  The friends I'd had for 20 years as well as the new friends I started gaining once I stopped worrying so much.

I can't begin to express how deeply I feel every bit of life these days.  For me as well as my friends, acquaintances and strangers.  My empathy is at an all time high and while I'm still the same old me, my patience and acceptance has grown.  I've said before that I started on this path when I became a mom but It continues to grow and encompass me.

No matter what we say, we all DO care what others think.  What we do with that knowledge is what sets us apart.

Maybe it's the Holiday Season that allows people to express themselves but for me, it doesn't matter.  The love I have received in the last 24 hours is a reminder of all of the other bits I have received throughout my life.  Every single experience has brought me to this point.  To who I am today.
From the girl that held my hand and said Merry Christmas - with her words and her eyes - when I shared some unused coupons last week to the friends that take time to call, text or show me that I matter to them-good and bad; I don't have the proper words to say thank you or to explain the feeling in my heart that you all bring.

We all have shit.  It breaks us, it humbles us but it brings us together.  It makes us approachable and human.  Don't broadcast it on social media but don't shy away from it.  Own it and share it as you see fit.  Allow others to see you aren't that glossy, magazine-perfect person, don't judge others, and I guarantee there will be a shift.  You will change and it will be good.

Spartan Citi Field Weekend

'Hey, you should run a Spartan Race, you will love it'......  How about two in one weekend?

 

I signed up for my first Spartan over the winter and them proceeded to count the days until I finally got close enough to taste it.  It was at that point that I started to get nervous.  Yes, I knew I would make it through but I was still a wreck.   I've run 5Ks but this included challenges and penalties.  I also had no idea who my competition would be. 

 

I was signed up for the 9:30 heat and spent an hour or so after getting settled watching the time. I saw others around me getting ready, watched the screen display real-time video of fellow runners attempting the obstacles and heard the clinking of medals as finishers walked by.   I was getting anxious.

 

I moved toward the starting line.  At this race, it was the ramp you would take along the outside of the ballpark to get to the other levels. We stood in line as they released a group each minute.  As I stood there watching the clock count down I was just pumped to get going.   From 'Aroo!!" for the next hour or so, I navigated my way through each obstacle.  Some with ease and some, I failed and got to do the standard 30 burpees. As I crossed the finish line, I just wanted to find out my time and figure out how I would race again.  I was relieved, relaxed and exhilarated all in one.

 

Saturday ..... Race 1

I was scheduled to volunteer on Sunday but decided to get there early to run again.  Crazy to some but to me, a necessity.  I already knew what to expect and I was going to do better, I just knew it.  Off and running, I already noticed a difference.  There were less people on Sunday and especially early in the day so I didn't have to fight my way through.  I was more relaxed and found myself enjoying the experience in a different way.  I crossed the finish line almost 8 minutes faster than I did on Saturday!

Sunday ..... Race 2



After running, I checked in for my volunteer shift. I got to man the rope climb and having run already, I knew that everyone needed encouragement as they approached.  They had already completed most of the race and now they visibly had the last three obstacles ahead of them. It was volunteering there that made my Spartan weekend complete.  I met awesome athletes, heard stories, witnessed injuries, tears and victories.  My heart was full.

 

There are so many other stories and lessons learned from this weekend but I don't know where to start.  I wanted to get these pics up and check in with everyone.  The next race is already scheduled and just around the corner.

CrossFit Open 2014

I'd only been taking CrossFit Classes for six weeks when I registered for the CrossFit Open.  Other than it being a worldwide competition that would show me where I stand against 200,000 others. I had no idea what to expect.  My start in CrossFit was to just jump in with both feet.   I have learned as I had to in order to complete a WOD ( workout of the day) and tried to spend some extra time working on  the lifting aspect.

My experience may be different than many.  I didn't plan this as a way to lose weight or get stronger.  I started because I was bored with my routine at the regular gym.  I was lonely and finding that I wasn't challenged any longer.  It was also winter and I couldn't even take a run outside to break up the monotony.  I'd already been told by others that I would love it, it was right up my alley, that I was the perfect candidate, etc.  Well, being told that is one thing, making the leap, quite another.

I contacted the box (aka- the CrossFit Gym) and was invited to try a free class.  I went slowly and did a few of the moves.  A couple days later, I completed my first WOD....all Kettlebells.... and kept up with the class.  One more day of working on a few basics and it was decided that I would just do the WODs as written.  Feeling ok about my place among my peers, I signed up for the Open.  THAT is where I really found out where I stood.

For the Open, we were given a workout each Thursday night and had until the following Monday to complete it while being judged. Here's how it went:

 

WEEK 1

Nothing like flying by the seat of your pants.  Do you even know what a Double-Under is? It's jumping rope but for each jump, the rope goes around twice. I couldn't do one, much less 30!  So, I practiced Fri., Sat. and Sun.  I was finally able to get some a few minutes before the judging.  I made it through three rounds plus 6 more DUs to get a score of 141.  Not a bad start for someone only 6 weeks in, huh?  I have to say, If it wasn't for me pulling the DUs out of my @ss, I would have likely been pretty down about this adventure but this showing got me pumped. I was able to perform under pressure.  Pretty freakin' awesome.

WEEK 2

This week was a doozie.  Overhead squats are tough for me and I was just learning the movements when this was announced.  Then they throw in C2B Pull-ups? Ha.  I attempted this twice but in the end scored 17.  That means I didn't make it past the first round but this was the point in the competition that I decided that the Open was my chance to find out what I didn't know.  I planned to keep showing up and noting my weaknesses so I could work to improve.  This was NOT going to mess with my head, it was going to drive me.

 

 WEEK 3

Ohhh!  I was so excited for this one!  Something I knew I could do.  And if I had some experience under my belt, I would have killed it but my lack of form, due to my excitement, as well as coming off  a week of not feeling 100% worked against me and I only posted 90 reps (three full rounds)

WEEK 4

Rowing?  Who can't row?  Ok.... I'll at least get 60.  Toes-to-bar?  Exactly what it sounds like.  Hang from the bar and lift your toes until they touch.  Now do this 50 times.  Or not.   I got 44 and never made it to wall balls.  I wanted to get to the cleans so I was frustrated by the end of this one.

WEEK 5

I wasn't panicked.  I knew that in the end, I just had to complete this.  There was no time cap so while I had to keep moving, I wouldn't get disqualified by not being able to do something.  There were only two options; Finish or give up.....hell no on the giving up!

I originally planned to complete this Saturday morning.  Our Coach had arranged for another box to visit and we would be able to complete this with them.  Sounds great on paper but I was still a bit intimidated.  I wanted to go before they arrived but that didn't work out so I threw my hat in the ring on the first heat.  It was a grueling workout and I didn't finish as quickly as I'd wanted to but I did finish in a decent time (22:09).

I was thrilled to be done and have the remainder of the day to relax.  I got to cheer on everyone else and feel what they were feeling as they worked their way through this toughie.  It was a long, exhausting day but I don't think the smile left my face once. Being surrounded by others that cheered for me and that love this sport as much as I do was incredibly inspiring.  I wouldn't change this experience one bit.

  

CFONY and CFMH after 14.5

Final Standings

North East Standings

 

Worldwide Standings

Note: When I looked at the Leaderboard, it seems that many people in this didn't post scores for at least one week.  Each week, you earn points based on your standing.  The lower the number, the better. The final standings show as a cumulative number of points so if you didn't post a score, of course you would have less points and will place higher.  So.... I probably placed higher than this but it's not a make or break at this point.   I will keep working and have high hopes for the next one.

New outlook, new friends and teammates.... I see this as success all around. 

Congrats to anyone that attempted this at any level in their CrossFit Experience.

"Rest" Day

 

 

 

 

The past few weeks have been a little more hectic than usual.  Competing in the CrossFit Open has kept me pretty busy.  I have been focusing on preparing for the week's WOD (assigned workout) and then being judged on the workout in order to submit my score.  I will write a post once it's done to fill you in on the experience but today, I finally took a few minutes to relax.  I did some errands but I also tried out a recipe from my newest cookbook, Against All Grain by Danielle Walker.

The recipes are great for those following the paleo diet but also for those of us that are just trying to eat cleaner.....even when it comes to dessert.

You can check out Danielle's story and some of her recipes here and I've posted some pictures for you of her Paleo 7 Layer Bars.  As delicious as the original and pretty to boot.

For the recipe, go here: AAG-7 layer bars

 

 

 

Drive

It happens when you are exhausted, have a list of to-dos a mile long and you still push to take advantage of every minute of every day.  When you put so much effort into experiencing as much as you can and make time for others as much as you make time for yourself. It's right then that you feel the truth of the saying, "Life is Short".

 

Sometimes it applies because you feel like there isn't enough time in the day.  Sometimes it's an excuse to do something you want to do in lieu of something you should do.  Other days, days like today, it's because in the midst of the busy that is you life, you are forced to stop and look that saying square in the eye and feel it's true meaning.  Things can change in an instant.  What/If/When you aren't here tomorrow?  Will you have accomplished something in your life?  Do people know what they meant to you?  Was there something you should have done but kept putting it off?

I'm coming off the high of achieving something I didn't think was possible and have been distracted by thoughts swirling in my head. Remember a few posts ago when I said I was trying out CrossFit? Well, that deserves it's own post to update y'all but bottom line?  I'm hooked. Only six weeks in and I'm already seeing a difference in my strength, mindset and body.  It's got me thinking about how I have arrived at this. Why didn't I do it earlier?  Maybe I wasn't ready but after kicking some butt this past week and feeling the love from some fellow CrossFitters I was reminded how good it feels to be a part of a team. 

For those that don't know this, I played soccer for most of my school years.  At the time, they didn't separate the girls and boys so as we got older and less girls played outside of the school team, I was lucky to adopt a team of brothers.  They picked on me  and told my dad everything I did when he wasn't around, just as a brother would, but they also rooted for me and knew I was capable of keeping up with them.  That team made me show up season after season to prove I belonged and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me as a young girl.Those same guys showed up at my Varsity games to cheer for me and 20+ years later, I can still reach out to them if I need them. Even today, I relate more easily to guys and even my career has been in a male-dominated industry.  Pretty interesting.

All of this background is to share that everyone in my life has been integral to my development.  Each person has helped form the person I am.  I love that I have grown enough in the past few years that I am making time for these people, even when, on paper, I don't have time.  A friend from elementary school will be close by next week and I will make every effort to meet up.  A good friend gave birth to her second child today. Another friend wakes up daily to fight for her life.  I want to be there for all of them...... and it's not solely for me.   I want it for them.  So they know that they are important.  That they are worth making time for.

We are all blessed in different ways.  Embrace your blessings.  Revel in them.  Surely someone else is envious of you. It's ok... you're probably envious of them too.  But your heart... THAT, you have control of.  Let it drive you, but let it stop you in your tracks sometimes too.

 Live your life.  Make it full of goodness.

Heart Day- Part 2.....with a dash of snow

 

 

Her daddy won't be here for Valentine's Day but she wanted to make a gift he could bring with him.  Handmade card and cookies.  What Valentine's should be about; sharing from the heart. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The best part about the heart shape is that you get to eat the scraps

 

 



 

 

 

I wanted her day to be special too so I made a card for her, hung some garland and got her a small gift.  All week, I've been tucking Valentine-themed riddles in her lunch box.

 

 

 

 

Simple acts of love are noticed by her.  She gets a look of understanding that leads you to believe she has a lifetime of experience packed inside that tiny body.  I hope she always sees things this way.  That she never stops appreciating the smallest bits of goodness.

 

This morning we had coffee, made more cookies for my brother-in-law as a small thank you for plowing us out and went outside to look at the snow that Mother Nature gifted us this Valentine's Day.  I hope yours is a very special heart day too.

 

 

 

 

Finally a reason to wear my fuzzy hat

 

 

 

 

Snow swimming?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy (early) Heart Day

Remember how exciting Valentine's Day was when you were little?  You would have the pick the perfect cards that showed everyone what you were made of.  Cartoon characters, jokes, standard Valentine theme.  They would be small and only had a space for "To:" and "From:".  They came with tiny envelopes and you spent countless hours addressing them by following the class list; choosing the right card for each classmate and picking the very best for the people that were just a bit more special than the others, secretly hoping they would notice the extra effort.

When does it change?  When do you start despising the holiday and saying things like " It's a Hallmark Holiday" and "If you love someone, show them daily"?  Is it that you have had a really cruddy Valentine's Day or do you just get older, wiser and realize those statements have some truth to them?  That Hallmark is the original bully.  Making people feel worthless if they aren't shown affection on an otherwise regular day.  Next to all of those flowers and boxes of chocolates, there should be tissues and a bottle of booze so you can forget the blasted day.

So what do you do as a mom?  You let your child enjoy the magic.  You celebrate it in hopes that your kid will be one of the people that enjoys it.  You make sure that you aren't the cause of their distaste for Hallmark and the pressures it puts on our society.  You spend hours helping assemble cards and checking the class list to ensure that no child is forgotten.  You suggest that each child gets a small sheet of puffy stickers to adorn their notebooks and t-shirts and you let your heart fill as your sweetie fills each card with warm sentiments and signs it with love. 

Who knows, maybe .some of the magic will rub off on you.

Food as Fuel

Thai Coconut Soup

 

Now that you have some background, you may want to know what I'm doing to help me move to the next level.  Over the years, my eating habits have changed quite a bit. According to my parents, it all started in fourth grade with Limpy Yellow.  He was the chicken we watched grow from embryo  through fuzzy chick phase.  I loved that little chick and I guess I loved it so much that I stopped eating chicken and eggs. I never realized that Limpy was the reason but it makes sense.  It took until my sophomore year of college before I ate another egg without it being in baked goods.  Even then, I would only eat scrambled but now, I can't eat enough.  Chicken....well, that's another story.  To this day, I don't touch it.

Fast forward through the garbage phase of college and working in retail to the time when someone started showing me how to cook with more than the 5 spices I kept in my pantry.  I became obsessed with food.  I wanted to try everything I could and I wanted to understand the science behind ways to make simple ingredients taste so great. I ate out as much as possible and I learned a lot.  It has a downside though.  I am now a self-professed food snob. Once I had that under my belt, I started researching where our food came from.  It' s a subject I could say way too much about so I will spare you right now.

At each phase of my food progression, I have given up something in favor of adding something better.  I make educated decisions on what I put in my body and I am at peace with myself when I eat a treat or replace a meal with coffee.  When others act shocked because I indulge in some crispy pancetta or beef carpaccio I shrug it off. I don't label myself.   I'm not perfect.  I'm realistic.  I care more about moderation than rules.  I eat clean 90% of the time.  I love food too much to worry about the other 10%.

So what am I eating these days?  Clean food. Healthy fats. Protein. Low sugar. Very little processed foods.  I recently cut out most wheat and feel better than I have in a long time.  I will share some meals and recipes with you as I continue on this journey.  I get that some of you feel you can't change.  Believe me, you can if you want to. I have done it but not overnight.  Please keep in mind that every small change you make adds up.  Also remember that everyone is different.  I eat what makes MY body feel good.  It doesn't mean your body will respond the same way.

 As far as exercise; I mentioned that I started running a few years ago.  It's a bit more than that. One day a week, I take a Zumba class.  This, I feel the need to defend.  It's not just a bunch of people dancing around for an hour.  It IS fun, and the music is great but I leave there feeling full of life and like I got a great workout.  My heart is racing, my clothes are soaked with sweat and I'm mentally recharged.  In addition, I was going to the gym 3-4 days a week focusing on free-weights and cable machines.  This past fall, I started working on using my own body weight as resistance and started going old-school with pushups, burpees, pull ups etc.  I have always looked at CrossFit and wondered if it was something I would enjoy.  After this fall, complaining daily that I was bored with my routine, I took a CrossFit class.  Ummmmm... kinda hooked.  It's the challenge I have been looking for. What's even better is that as much as you are competing against others, you are working together to reach a common goal.  In only a few weeks, I can see the camaraderie and family feel of the CrossFit Community.  It's worlds away from a standard gym.  Really, there are no words to describe the difference.

There you have it.  I won't make this blog all about food and exercise but it is important to me and among everything else, I want to share it with you. I welcome your input, your questions and your support. 

"Don't compare someone else's chapter 20 to your chapter 1"

When you meet someone, you make mental notes about them.  Hair, skin, smile, height, style and personality to name a few.  These are the things that will help you remember them.  Things you will use when describing them to another person. You can only use what you know, what you have experienced.  Have you ever thought about what may be different about this person than the one you may have met 10 years prior?

When I receive a compliment about my appearance or size, although I know it's made with the kindest of intentions, I can't help but think each time how long it has taken me to get here.  And then, how far I have to go. I want to tell them how hard it is sometimes and how I don't understand others that don't have the same goals and drive.  I want to see what they see in me but it's really hard some days. So what do I do? I smile politely and accept their words.

I don't think there is a single person out there that is completely happy with themselves. Physically or emotionally.  We react poorly when we know we should have been calmer, used kinder words or just bit our lip. We look in the mirror and see every imperfection imaginable, when strangers see none. We are forever growing and evolving. While some see it as an awesomely amazing opportunity, others see it as taxing.

 I have always been considered healthy by doctors and coaches even when I was 30+ pounds heavier than I am today (pregnancy weight excluded) So how did I get where I am today? Why bother making any effort if I was already acceptable? That's what I want to share.

I have been active since I can remember.  Gymnastics, soccer, track, the gym.  I park further out in the parking lot, I take the stairs when I can.  My idea of a relaxing day is a hike and a stress reducer is a kick @ss workout.  But I wasn't ever happy when I looked in the mirror.  I saw flabby arms that were forever hidden under at least a short sleeve t-shirt if not more, fat legs that I was told were part of being an athlete and a closet full of clothes that never felt quite right. 

Some of the change happened naturally as I grew into adulthood and some of the weight dropped when I was working so many hours that I barely had time to eat. During that time, since it was only a meal and a half per day, I ate whatever sounded appealing and it didn't seem to make a difference.  Other times I have lost weight due to stress or those dang cigarettes I smoked so long ago.

I was in a cigarette/ 1 meal a day mode when Kris and I were driving home after helping a friend move.  He asked me to stop smoking.  I said I would as long as he would workout with me.  The deal was done, the remaining cigarettes went in the garbage and we started working out whenever there was a free moment.  I tried and failed at running over the years and when we were living in FL  I would rollerblade in effort to shed weight.  I felt happy about my efforts but still not when I looked in the mirror.  I know now that food was a problem for me.  I thought I was making healthy choices but in reality, I wasn't.

Fast forward to finding out I was pregnant. Talk about changing your mindset!  I was lucky.  My cravings were minimal and more than anything, I wanted fruity, juicy things.  Lemon & strawberry anything and since it was summer, fresh fruits and veggies were everywhere.  I started thinking about the value of what I was putting into my body.  Nutrient density and less chemicals meant more than calorie counting.  Since then through the present day, that has been my focus.  I read, listen, research and try new things.  I share that with my daughter in hopes that she will have a sound foundation when it comes to her health and nutritional decisions.

Sometime a few years ago, it started falling into place more. I joined a gym again and I signed up for my first 5K.  It gave me something to work for and when I finished, I signed up for the next one.  This past year, I ran more than I have in my life.  I still don't call myself a runner but I know that I can run.  I keep setting the bar a bit higher and this year, I am working even harder. I am challenging myself more and even before I reach those goals, I can already taste the next ones.

So, I have decided to share it all with you.  This isn't about bragging.  It's about drawing a line in the sand, setting a goal and documenting the results. I need you to cheer for me and I want to inspire you.

It is incredibly difficult to share these pictures with you.  I hope that my newest efforts in fitness and nutrition will yield visible as well as emotional and mental changes.

bad habit..... not realizing I'm scratching......and please excuse the tag

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 

Please let me know what you think.  Ask me questions. Share your own story. Let's do this!   ( don't forget about that little comment area below)

weight, weight.....wait!

There was a recent photo and article in Cosmo about a model that at 6'-2", 180 lbs., size 8 was considered a Plus Size Model.  The article is clear that this is a fashion industry standard....that size 8 and up are considered Plus Size.  It goes on to quote a model that feels that is could pose self esteem issues for girls. It also says that most American women are larger than a size 8.

Ok..... so what is the issue?  Really.  I don't understand why, after all the discussion about the obesity rates in our society and the poor food supply, information and eating habits there are people outraged about this.

Just because you don't associate with that size (on either end of the spectrum) it doesn't make it right to gripe about it.  Should I start complaining about all of the Victoria's Secret Models that have beautiful breasts to show off the bras simply because I barely fill out a b-cup?  I should be pissed at Lane Bryant because they don't sell or market to a size 6, right? ......It's ludicrous.

Brands and organizations are set up with a particular audience in mind and they work to appeal to it.  And just like the art of food photography, you don't always get what you see in those final pictures.  There is tape and concealer and airbrushing and re-sizing and smoothing of things to make it look they way it was intended. There is a whole industry that does this for a living. It's the art of the sell.

So can we stop bitching about it and hold ourselves accountable?  You don't like what you see when you look in the mirror or the number on the scale?  Get off your duff and do something about it!  If it's something you can't or are unwilling to change then make peace with it and yourself and stop taking it out on others. Jeesh!

Now that I am done ranting,  I plan to start adding more of me to this blog.  I'm going to let you in a little more and I'm going to share what I'm up to when I'm not behind a camera.  I will show you how I work every single day to practice what I preach. I'm excited about this and I can't wait to see what you think.

I welcome your criticism and words of encouragement. Don't be shy about using that little comment section below.

brrrr

It was bitter cold here last week.  I pride myself on being from Upstate New York.  Knowing lake-effect snow and having a system when it comes to snow shoveling. Understanding that 4WD won't make a darn bit of difference if you still don't know how to drive in snow. Many weekends of my college years were spend in Oswego, New York where not only was snow a factor but there are constant "trade winds" that will take you down if you aren't careful.  All of that considered; it was bitter cold here last week.

 

So what do you do?  You can cry and whine about it or you can choose to see the beauty.  Appreciate what you don't see when you are complaining of the opposite in mid-July. 

 

 

 

Bentley has never played in snow. This season it hasn't stuck around for more than a day. You can't tell by the pictures but he is only 10 months old.  A puppy still. Just about G's age if you do the math (5.83 dog years) Not that it makes much difference with labs.  They seem to be puppies all their lives. He spent hours running, pouncing and chasing whatever G would throw for him.  And for three days after, he was a sleepy boy.

 

 

 

While that was happening, I spent some time studying and sipping coffee in the warmth of Starbucks.  Although it sounds lovely, I can only take so much of sitting still.  I had brought my camera so I headed down to the water.  While the wind was reminiscent of Oswego and I was probably not dressed as warmly as I should have been, it was still a sight to behold.



I love water.  Oceans, lakes, streams, waterfalls...... There is power and a sense of serenity all wrapped into one.  Couple that with the ice that creaks and pops and structures built to withstand all of those forces.  It's really pretty amazing when you think about all of those things.

 

 

I'm grateful that I took these pictures.  That I stopped to look at these things.  Winter can really beat you up inside.  The lack of sun, the long days spent inside with no desire to experience the chapping of your skin the moment you open the door and the serious about of preparation to make plans to do anything because in all likely hood, there will be another storm in the distance that could change your plans once again. This particular day gave me a chance to appreciate the lull.  The roads were finally clear but the melting hadn't begun yet and the sun cast the most beautiful light on everything it touched. 

 

I often wonder if all of the people rushing from place to place ever stop and look around.  Do they see what I do?  Is my view unique?

 

For ten years, I worked in land development and you have to balance progression with preservation.  I think it's ingrained in me to think this way.  I look down the Hudson and compare it to paintings and in ways it is unchanged which it rather remarkable.  So days like this with these views calm me and renew me.  Taking that extra time to look around and really soak in the depth of what I see and feel.

 

So when G and Bentley are playing in the snow, I see experiences that will form them.  They will remember this feeling forever, even if they can't put their finger on it.  It will become part of their perception of all other things in their lives.

 

2014..... Let's Do This

The end of one year, the beginning of another.  A chance to reflect and a chance for renewal. So many get wrapped  up in the miraculousness of the ball dropping and the promise that the second hand advancing into the next group of 365 days can bring. There is something magical about that hope.  That one second........

I stopped writing last year.  I never stopped thinking or looking for a creative outlet but I was stuck.  How much do I share?  I am forever in awe of people that share so much.  Is there no filter? Do they not know what is appropriate? Do they just not give a damn? Maybe they just draw the line at a different point.

I wish that could be me some days.  I am forever considering how things I say will be viewed or interpreted.  I am critical of myself and my thoughts and words before anyone else gets the chance to see or hear them.  I imagine just about everyone's reaction before I press the 'publish' key.  Will they be offended?  Will they be hurt? Shocked?  Do I really want everyone to know what is going on in my head and in my heart?  Is anyone going to care?

So 'they' say that you shouldn't let the little things get to you. Look at the big picture, 'they' say.  Did 'they' every think that the big stuff is made up of a whole mess of little things?  We are formed by every single experience.  Our perception of the moment is formed by every moment that came before.

 

 

I looked around me today.  At the dishes in the sink, the Christmas tree still decorated but not lit for days, the laundry that needs to be put away, the dog that causes the vacuum to run daily and the flowers that never got pruned before the frost and for once it didn't make me crazy.  I didn't make a list in my head of how to get to it all.  I looked around more and saw pictures on the wall and remembered where they came from. I saw the paint on the wall and remembered the days it took to get the stripes just right.  I saw candle sconces and remember deciding where to hang them.  The story behind every piece of my surroundings was magnified.

 

So does the start of a new year erase that?  Is it supposed to or are you supposed to remember, savor and move forward with that in your heart giving you strength? 

 

 



Some people choose a word to help guide them in the coming year.  Some set a goal to achieve. Each year, it is the same for me. I want only to be a better version of myself.



Reflection:

I ran more races.  I focused on overall fitness and better eating.  I tried new things.  I made more efforts to see friends. I let go of negative people.  I laughed a lot and I probably did an equal amount of crying.  I watched my baby blossom and become even more amazing. I became

more forthright with my feelings. I let people in a little more. I grew.

 

 

Renewal:

I will continue to run.  I will continue on the fitness and food path I am on. I will keep trying new things....keep making plans with friends...keep laughing and crying.  I will be open to change more than I have and I will foster the blossoming little girl I am so lucky to have in my life.

Each of the things I do, I will do with more strength and determination than ever.

 

And the people I have let in.... I do need you.  You have helped form me.  Good and bad.  So enjoy the happy days with me and be there to comfort me on the bad.  I will do the same for you.

 

xoxo ~h