mirror

Do you ever wonder what it is that someone else sees when they look at you?

I never thought about it until I moved after college.  I worked with a girl and we didn't exactly hit it off at first.  Once we got to know each other and became friends, we talked about why we didn't get along.  Until then, I never thought about how I was perceived.  A while later, after I had met some of her other friends, she told me that most of her friends thought I was a bitch....but she knew it was just because they didn't know me yet.  Wow.....where do you go with that one?

I have often told people that it would be rather difficult for them to say something about me that I didn't already know.  I'm better than anyone at knowing my flaws and my weaknesses.  You can't hurt me with that.  It's truth and I work every minute of my life to improve on these things. None of us is perfect but I believe that working to better oneself is key.

After I had Giada, I saw a change in myself.  I softened.  In a time when I was freaked about how to care for a child and how others treated her, I became her biggest advocate.  That's what a mom does, right?  While I was working to make sure she had the best care and the most love, I was learning right along with her how to live.   I started looking at things through her eyes.  Started realizing that my bad day might be nothing in comparison to another person's.   Saw beauty where I never thought to look and started to let people in.....a little.

I am a private person.  Yes, I blog and photograph and like to be social but letting people in....to share the REAL stuff....that is tough.  Who can you trust? Will they tell others things you don't want shared? Will they hurt you? Will they judge you? Will the relationship be an equal exchange?  So difficult.

In the time since I realized my expanding view on the world, I have been enlightened by so much.  Old friends that prove to be better than you ever knew.  New friends that bring in sunlight just when you need it.  It has been, and continues to be, pretty effin' awesome if you let it....if you don't set that bar at unattainable heights.  Yes, there are still disappointments and they still hurt like hell but positivity is an amazingly powerful thing.

In all of this, I am learning about other people at the same time I am learning about myself.  I never knew how free others were with their words and lives.  How 'on the table' others can be.  It's scary to me but inspirational too. I get to learn about others much easier than I ever thought possible and I also get to hear what they think of me. (good and bad).  Is it that this change is apparent to others or is it that I am just more approachable? I am growing prouder and stronger by each encounter. I am getting better about being straightforward and saying what is on my mind even if it's not what the other wants to hear. Where I thought so little of myself, I now am finding that I should own my qualities for better or for worse.

I don't want this to change who I am. I want to learn from everything to be the best I can. &  I want to have more confidence and show my little girl that I can be (almost) as awesome as she is.